Gil Rio

Improve Your Dating and Relationships

Switching your emotional state on and off

Our weekend workshops are always a blast and the last one was no exception. gil rio in person trainingThe students did an amazing job. Some made out with girls, most got numbers a a few took girls home. They seemed like different guys on Sunday, a glint in their eye and a swagger that wasn’t there on Friday.

I love this job :)

Best moment for me was working with two students in particular who had a hard time getting out of their heads.

We all know the feeling. We call it being “out of state” or “in your head”. It feels like a separation between you and what’s happening around you. Almost like you’re watching it on TV. It doesn’t feel good when you’re in the middle of a party, bar or club, and it’s where game goes to die…

The opposite, being “in state” or “in the moment”, is the holy grail of game. Think back to your best nights. Chances are you were “in state”, just floating effortlessly, approaching and carrying out conversations without an agenda, and people reacted favorably to your vibe and instantly opened up.

State is a big reason why you can’t learn game just by reading ebooks and blogs. In fact, one reason why studying and not practicing will hurt your game.

With both students this weekend, the approach was simple. Throw them into approaches head first until they get out of their heads.

With both students, the effect was the same.

The first 1-2 approaches were crash-and-burns. They limped in, all the subcommunications were off, and the girls turned away before the guys were done saying hi. After very short feedback and encouragement, I kept making them approach. By approach 3 or 4, they were starting to relax, smile and speak louder. They started to approach before I even pointed out the groups of girls. Their body language was more confident, they were enjoying it now, having a good time. Lo and behold, women’s reactions started to shift, becoming more receptive. By approach 5 or 6, the guys were flowing. They were in state.

They were barely aware of their own transformation, but for an external observer they looked like different men altogether.

One of the guys started approaching women by himself and the next morning extolled the night’s experience and the fun he had. The other student moved a girl around the venue and nearly took her home… less than an hour after he was shrinking in a corner afraid to say a word to a stranger.

This effect is common and we’ve all felt it, but it’s easy to underestimate or forget unless you’re constantly reminded. Teaching is learning twice.

Why do we get in and out of “state”? Why does it have such a powerful effect on us?

Emotional stateOur brain has two main modes of function (this is a gross over-simplification, but for the purpose of this explanation it’s fine). When there is no external task to be performed (talking with someone, handling something, etc.), a specific set of brain areas, called the Default Network, is activated. The result is the recall of memories and planning of future events. Mulling over our past and future, basically. We’re essentially “in our heads”. This is the state known as day-dreaming, from which you quickly emerge if someone addresses you or you hear a loud noise. When an external stimulus arises, the Default Network switches off and the “task-performing” areas of the brain turn back on. It’s time to handle something coming from the environment and leave the processing of recalled facts or future plans (i.e. day-dreaming) for later. It’s time to live in the present.

That’s why the effect is gradual and cumulative. One approach, your state improves a little. 2, you’re almost there. 3 or 4, you flow. Stop interacting and you slowly creep back into your head. Stop for long enough and you’re cold again, and need to go through the whole warm-up process all over again.

The good news is, the more practice you have, the quicker you’ll be able to access your state. I can often get into pretty good state by doing 1 warm-up approach, whereas it used to take me half a dozen a couple years ago.

Warming up is crucial. When I warm up properly, my nights go much better then when I don’t.

By warm up, I mean 2-3 throw away approaches to get in a talkative, social mood. The outcome is never important, whether it’s approach #1 or #21, but the first 2-3 (or however many you need to warm up) are particularly meaningless.

It’s not just about the numbers, it’s mostly about the pace. If you go through one short interaction, sit around for an hour, then do another, you’re not warming up. A quick sequence of approaches with no major pauses is what it’s all about. Push yourself to do the first one, push yourself not to stop immediately thereafter (especially since the outcome of the first one tends to be less than ideal), and you’re on your way to a good night.

And warming up doesn’t go only for the beginning of the night, you can do it anytime. Warmed up, then stopped approaching and got cold again? No big deal, just warm up again. It’s that simple to switch on your state.

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How to avoid flakes

You mustered the courage to approach her and navigated the interaction all the way to getting her number. You pat yourself on the back and start picturing dates, sex and relationship ups and downs.

Yet she’s unresponsive when you text and never calls you back. Getting her out proves a Herculean task, and even when you do it, your dates seem lackluster and seldom if ever lead to sex.

Women consistently give you their numbers, which didn’t happen a couple How to avoid flakesmonths ago. Your friends can’t believe their eyes every time you approach an attractive woman and walk away with her number. To them, you seem like a new guy and they think you’re a major stud. Yet you know those numbers are not leading to the success you long for. You just don’t seem to be able to convert numbers into sexual and romantic interactions.

Shouldn’t your long path of hard work be over?!? Isn’t it time to reap the benefits?!

Dealing with flaky numbers is one of the most common sticking points on the road to success with women. I went through it and so does nearly every other guy.

There is much female psychology behind why a number by itself means very little.

Women often give out their number in the heat of the moment. But certain emotions (e.g. certain types of attraction) are fleeting and are no longer felt a day or two later. Some others are longer-lasting.

The #1 panacea for flaky numbers is good Qualification.

Qualification is the process of discovering merit-worthy characteristics of her personality and showing your appreciation for them. It is one of the most underestimated and under-used skills in male-female communication.

Used competently, qualification leads to rock-solid numbers. In her eyes, you’ll effectively stand out from most other men she’s ever met. She will feel that you get her and see her for who she really is. Pretty powerful stuff…

On August 16, Love Systems instructors Gil Rio and Von Pounders will hold a special seminar in Hollywood, CA, with a guest appearance by Nick Savoy. They will teach you the nuts and bolts of Qualification; how to use it and how to perfect it. How to make those interactions count, so that flaky numbers are a thing of the past.

They will also teach you all you need to know about Dates. After mastering Qualification, you’ll need it. You’ll be getting plenty of solid numbers, and the next step is to know what to do with them so that phone numbers become sex, romance and girlfriends. After all, that’s what we’re here for.

At $49, the price for this event is symbolic. You won’t get more bang for your buck anytime soon.

For more information or to reserve your seat, go here now.

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How to start an open relationship

A very common question among men is how to establish and maintain open relationshipharmonious and pleasurable (for all involved!) open relationships, aka casual relationships or friends with benefits. Plainly put, how to see multiple women at the same time without creating a train wreck.

I am assuming here that, like me, you are not ok with simply misleading women (which, even beyond the moral issues, is problematic for anyone seeking self-improvement).

Fortunately, there is a way to start and maintain open relationships with beautiful, interesting women, and to unapologetically build a lifestyle that allows you to both be true to yourself and respect other people’s choices.

Here are the key ingredients:

 

Open relationships, Step 1: Sexualizing the interaction

If you want to establish a sexual interaction, sex has to be on the table in some way or another.

The better I got at sexualizing things the more success I had at starting open relationships. Sexualization refers to alluding to sex, in a number of different (explicit or implicit) ways. We teach a plethora of sexualization techniques in our training.

Most guys make the mistake of never alluding to sex, so it becomes the elephant in the room. Others make the mistake of referring to it in an awkward way, which comes off as creepy.

If you’re comfortable talking about sex, both in a facetious and serious way (whatever is right for the moment), that says a) you’re not creepy b) she can show you her sexual side without being judged and c) you’re probably decent in the sack.

The same goes for physical touch. If she finds herself touching you more or earlier than she usually does, she’ll feel that you two have more “chemistry” than those other guys she’s met, and she’ll see you as being smoother and having more confidence with women.

Regular guys have to play by the rules (“go on X dates before sex”, “sleep with no one else”, etc.). Exceptional guys get to set their own rules.

 

Open relationships, Step 2: Set the right first impression

Once a girl has a first impression of you, it’s not easy to change it. In fact, it will creep her out if you behave one way when you first meet and very differently on the phone or on the first date.

If you wait til the 1st or 2nd date to sexualize or start touching, you’ll have a hard time keeping things casual. That’s too late. By then she’s already pigeon-holed you.

Don’t telegraph that you’re looking for something serious unless you are. It’s a waste of her time and yours.

If you show your sexual side earlier, your intentions will be clear from the start and you will naturally attract those women who are receptive to open relationships.

 

Open relationships, Step 3: Qualification.

Studies show that women care less about sexual than emotional infidelity (check out a description of the research here). They’d rather their partner sleep with another woman without being in love, than the other way around. Guys are the opposite.

It’s not so much commitment itself that girls are after, but rather the feeling that they are appreciated and respected. It’s the thought of being used for sex that they don’t like.

Qualification is the process of finding out, and complimenting, her non-physical attributes. Tell her exactly what it is you like about her personality. Remind her of this often. This justifies why you like her, as opposed to every other girl, and rules out that you’re just using her for sex.

 

open relationshipOpen relationships, Step 4: Be honest about your intentions

There are many ways you can implicitly set a casual context (joke about her becoming your 8th wife, mention a past casual relationship or ask her if she’s into threesomes).

But I also explicitly explain where I stand to most girls before sex occurs (that’s the time to break it out, by the way, not after you’ve been dating for a month…).

If there is any doubt in my mind about her expectations, I bring it up. I don’t want any misunderstandings leading to bad blood or disappointment on her end. There’s nothing wrong with preferring not to have committed relationships; it’s our prerogative. But it would be hypocritical not to recognize the same right of choice to women.

I do this in 2 steps. First I explain that I am generally pretty casual with relationships and am not necessarily looking for anything serious.

Then I tell her I’m interested in hanging out regardless of whether we have sex (assuming it’s true, if it’s not I don’t pursue her long-term).

I want her to understand that I want to have sex but it’s not a big deal for me. If it happens, great; if it doesn’t, no biggie. This doesn’t detract from showing my intentions and being sexual, it only reinforces them.

The mindset I approach it with is I like sex, but I don’t need it.

IMPORTANT: remind her of the casual setup every once in a while, otherwise she will assume things have changed.

 

Open relationships, Step 5: Set the right dynamics

This is where most guys mess up.

What you do matters more than what you say. If you say you want to be casual and behave like a boyfriend, she’ll be confused or choose the interpretation she favors.

Don’t call all the time. Don’t have lengthy phone conversations about her day and your family. Don’t hang out more than once a week. Seeing each other every day and filling each other in on every mundane aspect of your lives is relationship terrain and creates attachment in her mind, even if you’ve honestly stated your position. Assuming this dynamic equates to saying “we’re a couple” with your actions and is misleading to her. Avoid it if you’re not ready for commitment and don’t want things to go sour.

 

Open relationships, Step 6: Be fair

This isn’t the 40s. Relationship rights are equal. If you want to be casual, that’s your prerogative. But it goes both ways. In an open relationship you don’t get to control where she goes or who she hangs out with. If you can’t handle that, open relationships are not for you. If you want a relationship where you have freedom and she doesn’t, get a blow-up doll.

 

Open relationships, Step 7: Be true to yourself

No matter how awesome you are, some women are just not interested in casual relationships. No amount of tricks and psychology can change that. At the end of the day, when you’ve explained what you’re about, it’s her call to take it or leave it.

Some guys are dishonest out of fear of rejection, but that’s hardly the way to go. Men with abundance don’t feel the need to sleep with every girl that crosses their path. Some women aren’t right for you. Some can’t handle a casual relationship or just plain don’t want one. Don’t push it. Don’t try to convince her. Sleep with women who are ok with being casual, befriend the ones who are not. Surround yourself with interesting, beautiful women, without having an agenda or trying to get something from them, and the rest will follow.

 

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Interview with Rowan Radio, 89.7 WGLS-FM

Gil Rio’s interview with Philadelphia’s Rowan Radio, 89.7 WGLS-FM

rowan radio Gil Rio

 

 

 

Last week I drove across the US and taught three mini seminars (Scottsdale, Austin, Philadelphia). Overall an amazing and unbelievable experience!

Along the way I was interviewed by Philadelphia’s Rowan Radio. We spoke about female psychology, difficulties and goals guys have when it comes to meeting and attracting women, and how Love Systems can help you revolutionize this area of your life.

Listen to the full interview by playing the video below.

I also did a second interview with Arizona’s Power Radio, listen to it here.

 

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Playing hard to get – The art of hot and cold

 

Playing hard to get is typically thought of as a female behavior. However, balancing interest with disinterest is a corner stone of flirtatious interactions and one of the best ways to build attraction.

We all like a challenge. It’s fundamental human psychology. Playing hard to get works because we want what we can’t have and appreciate things more if we have to work hard to get them.

playing hard to getThe main thing keeping men from attracting beautiful women is their mindset. “She’s beautiful, I desire her and I’ll do anything to have her”. This mindset pervades all of the interaction – every word and every gesture. Real life is not a Hollywood movie and exceptionally beautiful women are generally not won over by effort and puppy-like dedication.

 

Playing hard to get works because we want what we can’t have

 

The harder you work for a woman’s attention, the more you communicate your neediness and lack of female abundance and the more you push her away.

Women are attracted to confidence and status. The more women you have orbiting around you, the more she’ll want you. Paradoxically, the less you need her, the harder she’ll work to attract you.

Interestingly, many who spend their entire lives ignoring (or at least not applying) this principle, immediately switch to the opposite extreme upon hearing about it.

In fact, if you have the chance to observe men interacting with beautiful women, you will rarely see one that strikes a healthy balance between playing hard to get and showing interest, between hot and cold, push and pull.

Some show too much interest (or hot, aka pull), and others too much disinterest (or cold, aka push). They’re really two sides of the same coin, both stem from some level of insecurity at the root, and both will hurt your results in the end.

So how do you demonstrate interest without becoming needy?

 

Playing hard to get – the tools of the trade

Hot, or pull, can be shown via compliments, validating her characteristics and generally seeking rapport and being willing to share facts about your life and personality. In addition, touch is a very effective way to show interest. Watch the average guy talking to a stunning woman and you’ll get a quick lesson on pull. Uninterrupted eye contact, a silly smile on his face, eagerness to please and immediate acquiescence with her every word.

Cold, or push, is shown via teasing, active disinterest or disqualification and making her qualify herself. It can also be shown physically and, more subtly, by interrupting eye contact and generally investing little effort in the conversation.

playing hard to get

Approach the ice queen at a night club with boring chatter and you’ll get a masterful display of this skill. Fleeting eye contact, neutral facial expressions, body language facing away from you and effortless one-word answers.

If you’re all pull, most attractive women will be repelled by the excessive and undeserved interest. They see this all the time and it’s attraction kryptonite. You’ll get friend-zoned often because she feels “no chemistry”.

If you’re all push, women may be intrigued at first but will quickly lose interest. They’ll think you’re a jerk. Ultimately you need to possess attractive characteristics in order to be desired. Not wanting her (or pretending to) is not enough. You can’t play hard to get if you’re already hard to want.

 

The less you need her, the harder she’ll work to attract you.

 

A good balance of push and pull can generate massive attraction. So how do you achieve it? In general, you won’t need a lot of push. Think of it as the salt and pepper of the interaction. Sprinkle it in between the normal conversation; don’t overdo it.

Different girls and phases of the interaction will require different amounts of push (more push early; less of it later on) and ultimately you’ll need experience to learn how to calibrate. Don’t be afraid to experiment. Try, correct and evolve.

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