Take a guy who never had any luck with women. Show him a method whereby he will increasingly improve, until he becomes great at attracting and dating gorgeous girls.
You’d think, every dude would jump at the chance and not rest until he got it down, right?! Yet, many dabble… then walk away. Very few persist. I’ve seen it a LOT. Some completely disappear; others go through a yo-yo phase of going away and coming back.
Why does learning how to communicate with women tend to break down the resolve of most?
For two reasons, in my experience.
The first is that people love results, but they hate having to work for them. They dream of outcomes, but they dread the process. Everyone wants a big house, fancy car, beautiful women and vast knowledge, but few are willing to go make it happen. In that regard, talking to women is no different from playing the guitar or learning French. Many start learning, but few ever persist long enough to master the skill. In the words of Edward Harriman, much work is lost for the lack of a little more.
The second reason is that, unlike most skills, human communication has a unique emotional component. The negative emotions associated with missing a piano note or misspelling a French word are pretty manageable. But when it comes to approaching beautiful women, every mistake involves human negative feedback. Real reproach by real people. And, for most of us, that is associated with psychological suffering – studies show that social rejection and physical pain activate the same brain areas, leading to fear of rejection and an unwillingness to persist.
Many start learning how to communicate with women, but few are persistent enough to master the skill
How do you overcome these difficulties and stick with it? Why can some people persist where most give up?
Some guys have natural advantages: an already developed sense of humor, confidence with women (real or faked…) or good looks. None of these factors is sufficient by itself to achieve great success, but it gives you a head start.
The point of this article, and of Love Systems as a whole, is that even if you’re starting from scratch, with no aces up your sleeve, you can still develop the skills to achieve great success with women. But you have to be ready to put in the work.
Curiously, several of the best in the business come from a place of despair, with absolutely no success until they found this technology. Not surprisingly, these men also tend to have outstanding work ethics.
There are no magic solutions to ensure you persist, but there are some pointers I can give you that will help you stay on your path. These are things that helped me in my darkest hours. It’s natural to doubt, lose your patience and feel frustrated here and there, as long as you keep showing up.
Persistence with women, 1 – Have a realistic perspective
Everybody goes through highs and lows.
As much as you feel like you’re the only one struggling, while every other guy is doing great with the ladies, that’s not the reality!! I remember whole weeks and months where things weren’t working. I lost count of the nights I walked out of the bar feeling tired, with no palpable success to show for all my effort and, what’s worse, no concrete idea of what I was doing wrong. The only thing I could do was go back the next night and try again.
It’s human nature to see someone doing well and assume they are naturally gifted or always had it easy. Students in our workshops often imply this; it’s hard to convince them that we were exactly where they are not that long ago. Instructors are not the guys who had it easy, they’re the ones who stuck with it through the hard times. So whatever difficulty you’re going through, relax, you’re not alone. We’ve been there.
Persistence with women, 2 – Set realistic goals
If you’ve never played basketball, you wouldn’t expect to start nailing 3 pointers and 360º dunks after your first practice. Yet most guys have unrealistic expectations with women. Be humble, start from the beginning and get the basics down before you move on. Don’t worry about getting make-outs if you haven’t learned how to build attraction. Don’t read up on how to text her if you can’t approach yet. Rushing things is not just a waste of time, it actually sets you back and kills your motivation. Setting realistic, achievable goals will help you stay on track and consistently progress.
One crucial principle to bear in mind when setting goals: free yourself from the burden of outcomes that are not exclusively under your control. E.g. asking for a phone number in every interaction >10mins=good goal; getting a phone number=bad goal. Initiating touch within the first 30 seconds=good goal; getting a make-out=bad goal.
it’s not the guys who had it easy who achieve the highest level, it’s the ones who persisted through the hard times
Persistence with women, 3 – We have no choice
If I take up guitar-playing and don’t like it, I can go play the drums. Or drop music altogether. But there’s no alternative when it comes to learning how to communicate with women. We’ll never “get over” being attracted to women. Learning how to interact with them gives you more and better options, and helps your relationships become more fruitful and pleasurable. You can’t replace that with fishing.
However hard going out and approaching seems, that pain is nothing compared to a life of insatisfaction.
Persistence with women, 4 – Have fun
This can’t be overstated. It’s very hard to persist and become good at something if you don’t enjoy it. With women this is especially true, since your energy plays a huge role in the interaction. Saying all the right words won’t attract women if your energy is way off. Find ways to make it fun: go to places you enjoy, with people you like. Play games with your friends to keep approaching fun. Don’t take yourself too seriously, allow yourself to be silly and make mistakes. Use silly openers just for the sake of having a good time. Fun is attractive. On the first night of our workshops, guys often look like they’re disarming a bomb. When we get them to relax and have a good time, suddenly they start 1) doing way better and 2) enjoying it more. The two really go hand in hand…