Gil Rio

Improve Your Dating and Relationships

Gil Rio - Improve Your Dating and Relationships

Should you be persistent with women?

Take a guy who never had any luck with women. Show him a method whereby he will increasingly improve, until he becomes great at attracting and dating gorgeous girls.

You’d think, every dude would jump at the chance and not rest until he got it down, right?! Yet, many dabble… then walk away. Very few persist. I’ve seen it a LOT. Some completely disappear; others go through a yo-yo phase of going away and coming back.

Why does learning how to communicate with women tend to break down the resolve of most?

For two reasons, in my experience.

persistence with womenThe first is that people love results, but they hate having to work for them. They dream of outcomes, but they dread the process. Everyone wants a big house, fancy car, beautiful women and vast knowledge, but few are willing to go make it happen. In that regard, talking to women is no different from playing the guitar or learning French. Many start learning, but few ever persist long enough to master the skill. In the words of Edward Harriman, much work is lost for the lack of a little more.

The second reason is that, unlike most skills, human communication has a unique emotional component. The negative emotions associated with missing a piano note or misspelling a French word are pretty manageable. But when it comes to approaching beautiful women, every mistake involves human negative feedback. Real reproach by real people. And, for most of us, that is associated with psychological suffering – studies show that social rejection and physical pain activate the same brain areas, leading to fear of rejection and an unwillingness to persist.

Many start learning how to communicate with women, but few are persistent enough to master the skill

How do you overcome these difficulties and stick with it? Why can some people persist where most give up?

Some guys have natural advantages: an already developed sense of humor, confidence with women (real or faked…) or good looks. None of these factors is sufficient by itself to achieve great success, but it gives you a head start.

The point of this article, and of Love Systems as a whole, is that even if you’re starting from scratch, with no aces up your sleeve, you can still develop the skills to achieve great success with women. But you have to be ready to put in the work.

Curiously, several of the best in the business come from a place of despair, with absolutely no success until they found this technology. Not surprisingly, these men also tend to have outstanding work ethics.

There are no magic solutions to ensure you persist, but there are some pointers I can give you that will help you stay on your path. These are things that helped me in my darkest hours. It’s natural to doubt, lose your patience and feel frustrated here and there, as long as you keep showing up.

 

Persistence with women, 1 – Have a realistic perspective


Everybody goes through highs and lows.

As much as you feel like you’re the only one struggling, while every other guy is doing great with the ladies, that’s not the reality!! I remember whole weeks and months where things weren’t working. I lost count of the nights I walked out of the bar feeling tired, with no palpable success to show for all my effort and, what’s worse, no concrete idea of what I was doing wrong. The only thing I could do was go back the next night and try again.

persistence with womenIt’s human nature to see someone doing well and assume they are naturally gifted or always had it easy. Students in our workshops often imply this; it’s hard to convince them that we were exactly where they are not that long ago. Instructors are not the guys who had it easy, they’re the ones who stuck with it through the hard times. So whatever difficulty you’re going through, relax, you’re not alone. We’ve been there.


Persistence with women, 2 – Set realistic goals


If you’ve never played basketball, you wouldn’t expect to start nailing 3 pointers and 360º dunks after your first practice. Yet most guys have unrealistic expectations with women. Be humble, start from the beginning and get the basics down before you move on. Don’t worry about getting make-outs if you haven’t learned how to build attraction. Don’t read up on how to text her if you can’t approach yet. Rushing things is not just a waste of time, it actually sets you back and kills your motivation. Setting realistic, achievable goals will help you stay on track and consistently progress.

One crucial principle to bear in mind when setting goals: free yourself from the burden of outcomes that are not exclusively under your control. E.g. asking for a phone number in every interaction >10mins=good goal; getting a phone number=bad goal. Initiating touch within the first 30 seconds=good goal; getting a make-out=bad goal.

it’s not the guys who had it easy who achieve the highest level, it’s the ones who persisted through the hard times


Persistence with women, 3 – We have no choice


persistence with womenIf I take up guitar-playing and don’t like it, I can go play the drums. Or drop music altogether. But there’s no alternative when it comes to learning how to communicate with women. We’ll never “get over” being attracted to women. Learning how to interact with them gives you more and better options, and helps your relationships become more fruitful and pleasurable. You can’t replace that with fishing.

However hard going out and approaching seems, that pain is nothing compared to a life of insatisfaction.


Persistence with women, 4 – Have fun


This can’t be overstated. It’s very hard to persist and become good at something if you don’t enjoy it. With women this is especially true, since your energy plays a huge role in the interaction. Saying all the right words won’t attract women if your energy is way off. Find ways to make it fun: go to places you enjoy, with people you like. Play games with your friends to keep approaching fun. Don’t take yourself too seriously, allow yourself to be silly and make mistakes. Use silly openers just for the sake of having a good time. Fun is attractive. On the first night of our workshops, guys often look like they’re disarming a bomb. When we get them to relax and have a good time, suddenly they start 1) doing way better and 2) enjoying it more. The two really go hand in hand…

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How to start an open relationship

A very common question among men is how to establish and maintain open relationshipharmonious and pleasurable (for all involved!) open relationships, aka casual relationships or friends with benefits. Plainly put, how to see multiple women at the same time without creating a train wreck.

I am assuming here that, like me, you are not ok with simply misleading women (which, even beyond the moral issues, is problematic for anyone seeking self-improvement).

Fortunately, there is a way to start and maintain open relationships with beautiful, interesting women, and to unapologetically build a lifestyle that allows you to both be true to yourself and respect other people’s choices.

Here are the key ingredients:

 

Open relationships, Step 1: Sexualizing the interaction

If you want to establish a sexual interaction, sex has to be on the table in some way or another.

The better I got at sexualizing things the more success I had at starting open relationships. Sexualization refers to alluding to sex, in a number of different (explicit or implicit) ways. We teach a plethora of sexualization techniques in our training.

Most guys make the mistake of never alluding to sex, so it becomes the elephant in the room. Others make the mistake of referring to it in an awkward way, which comes off as creepy.

If you’re comfortable talking about sex, both in a facetious and serious way (whatever is right for the moment), that says a) you’re not creepy b) she can show you her sexual side without being judged and c) you’re probably decent in the sack.

The same goes for physical touch. If she finds herself touching you more or earlier than she usually does, she’ll feel that you two have more “chemistry” than those other guys she’s met, and she’ll see you as being smoother and having more confidence with women.

Regular guys have to play by the rules (“go on X dates before sex”, “sleep with no one else”, etc.). Exceptional guys get to set their own rules.

 

Open relationships, Step 2: Set the right first impression

Once a girl has a first impression of you, it’s not easy to change it. In fact, it will creep her out if you behave one way when you first meet and very differently on the phone or on the first date.

If you wait til the 1st or 2nd date to sexualize or start touching, you’ll have a hard time keeping things casual. That’s too late. By then she’s already pigeon-holed you.

Don’t telegraph that you’re looking for something serious unless you are. It’s a waste of her time and yours.

If you show your sexual side earlier, your intentions will be clear from the start and you will naturally attract those women who are receptive to open relationships.

 

Open relationships, Step 3: Qualification.

Studies show that women care less about sexual than emotional infidelity (check out a description of the research here). They’d rather their partner sleep with another woman without being in love, than the other way around. Guys are the opposite.

It’s not so much commitment itself that girls are after, but rather the feeling that they are appreciated and respected. It’s the thought of being used for sex that they don’t like.

Qualification is the process of finding out, and complimenting, her non-physical attributes. Tell her exactly what it is you like about her personality. Remind her of this often. This justifies why you like her, as opposed to every other girl, and rules out that you’re just using her for sex.

 

open relationshipOpen relationships, Step 4: Be honest about your intentions

There are many ways you can implicitly set a casual context (joke about her becoming your 8th wife, mention a past casual relationship or ask her if she’s into threesomes).

But I also explicitly explain where I stand to most girls before sex occurs (that’s the time to break it out, by the way, not after you’ve been dating for a month…).

If there is any doubt in my mind about her expectations, I bring it up. I don’t want any misunderstandings leading to bad blood or disappointment on her end. There’s nothing wrong with preferring not to have committed relationships; it’s our prerogative. But it would be hypocritical not to recognize the same right of choice to women.

I do this in 2 steps. First I explain that I am generally pretty casual with relationships and am not necessarily looking for anything serious.

Then I tell her I’m interested in hanging out regardless of whether we have sex (assuming it’s true, if it’s not I don’t pursue her long-term).

I want her to understand that I want to have sex but it’s not a big deal for me. If it happens, great; if it doesn’t, no biggie. This doesn’t detract from showing my intentions and being sexual, it only reinforces them.

The mindset I approach it with is I like sex, but I don’t need it.

IMPORTANT: remind her of the casual setup every once in a while, otherwise she will assume things have changed.

 

Open relationships, Step 5: Set the right dynamics

This is where most guys mess up.

What you do matters more than what you say. If you say you want to be casual and behave like a boyfriend, she’ll be confused or choose the interpretation she favors.

Don’t call all the time. Don’t have lengthy phone conversations about her day and your family. Don’t hang out more than once a week. Seeing each other every day and filling each other in on every mundane aspect of your lives is relationship terrain and creates attachment in her mind, even if you’ve honestly stated your position. Assuming this dynamic equates to saying “we’re a couple” with your actions and is misleading to her. Avoid it if you’re not ready for commitment and don’t want things to go sour.

 

Open relationships, Step 6: Be fair

This isn’t the 40s. Relationship rights are equal. If you want to be casual, that’s your prerogative. But it goes both ways. In an open relationship you don’t get to control where she goes or who she hangs out with. If you can’t handle that, open relationships are not for you. If you want a relationship where you have freedom and she doesn’t, get a blow-up doll.

 

Open relationships, Step 7: Be true to yourself

No matter how awesome you are, some women are just not interested in casual relationships. No amount of tricks and psychology can change that. At the end of the day, when you’ve explained what you’re about, it’s her call to take it or leave it.

Some guys are dishonest out of fear of rejection, but that’s hardly the way to go. Men with abundance don’t feel the need to sleep with every girl that crosses their path. Some women aren’t right for you. Some can’t handle a casual relationship or just plain don’t want one. Don’t push it. Don’t try to convince her. Sleep with women who are ok with being casual, befriend the ones who are not. Surround yourself with interesting, beautiful women, without having an agenda or trying to get something from them, and the rest will follow.

 

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